Let Your Experience Be Their Guide: When Students Consider Quitting Music

When my wife and I leave a store, I usually hit the parking lot 10 feet in front of her, blazing ahead. I have a lousy sense of direction, though, so nine times out of ten I’m headed to the wrong spot! My wife says it best: “You’d be a great leader if you knew where you were going.” Ouch! Said less sarcastically: The most meaningful leadership comes from having perspective.

Wanting to Quit, Wanting a Stradivarius

Let me share a childhood story. I still remember the night in 4th grade when my mom and I went to “Instrument Pick-up Night” to bring home my first trumpet. Like Winthrop Paroo from The Music Man , I was mesmerized by the shiny, brass awesomeness of my new student model instrument. Despite the admonitions of my band teacher to wait until our first lesson, I had to open the case to examine this treasure! When I set eyes on the horn—wrapped reverently in new plastic and laying on a bed of brown, plush velour—I couldn’t have been more pumped to begin my musical adventure. After a few weeks of practicing, however, the “honeymoon” with my trumpet was over and I slumped into minimal efforts for the next few years. I actually liked playing in band and I enjoyed school lessons and rehearsals with my elementary and middle school band teachers, but by the end of 6th grade—seeing that I had become one of the worst players in the trumpet section (confirmed by seating auditions)—I was ready to move on to something new. I asked my mother about quitting band.

Quitting wasn’t something one did in my family... not with my mother . If my brothers or I began a sport, cub scouts, church youth group, or you-name-it, it was understood we would finish the season or year. I’m not sure how my mother conveyed that to us—probably just a look—but she did. Nonetheless, I had finished 6th grade and felt that my music career needed to give way to something new.

Surprisingly, my mother took the news in stride. I don’t know if she’d spoken to my band teacher, or perhaps another band parent, but she made me a shrewd counter-offer: take private trumpet lessons for the summer and see how I feel about quitting in the fall. She secured lessons with an area teacher—Mr. Downs—who taught out of his home about a mile from my house. On nice summer days I would walk with my trumpet and Rubank book in hand to and from my lesson. Don Downs was the right teacher at the right time for me. Not only did I love hearing his beautiful tone when we played together, but—like my mother—he had the right mixture of expectations and understanding. A bonus was that his son, Don Jr., was the best trumpeter in my school district, gifted with the ability to “scream” really high notes in jazz band. I was taking lessons from the father of a school band super star!

The lessons paid off. I returned excitedly to band in 7th grade, auditioned, and was placed at the top of the section. I never looked back. I continued lessons with Mr. Downs, saved money from my paper route to buy a silver Bach Stradivarius (which I still own today), and have played in or led school bands ever since. In retrospect, I’m very thankful for my mother’s wisdom and perspective—she saw the big picture and was willing to lead me through what turned out to be a big decision for an 11-year old.

Wanting to Quit, Wanting to Teach

My wife and I were faced with a similar dilemma with our daughter, Abby. She had been doing a fine job playing flute in her middle school band, but wanted to quit in high school. We leveraged our relationship with Abby, persuading her to give band a try just for the fall of freshman year so she could see first-hand what it was all about. We promised that she could choose to continue or not at the end of marching season—with no judgement.

It turned out (as we thought) Abby loved marching band. She loved her flute section buddies, the away game bus rides, going out for pizza after Friday night games, and more. She cried when marching season was over, and in the years to come Abby made District and Regional Band, became drum major, then band president, and even majored in music in college. Today she is an elementary classroom music teacher...and she’s glad we didn’t just let her quit band at the end of middle school.

The Special Gift

I have a silver trumpet tie tack that I wear at most every band concert I’ve played or conducted since 8th grade. My mother had it custom made for me as a Christmas gift. Every time I pin it on, I am reminded of the even more special gift she gave me by encouraging me to stick with trumpet.

The days where parents and teachers tell children what is best and what to think are giving way to a more student-centered educational environment in which we’re charged with helping students discover these things for themselves. In doing so, I encourage you to embrace the wisdom and perspective that your experience has given you. Like my mother, and like Mr. Downs, seek to employ the right balance of expectation and understanding, and don’t be afraid to share—with confidence and deference—your perspective in order to help students (and their parents) in what may be life-altering ways.