How to Leave Work at Work: Creating a separation between work and personal life

“How will I ever do this job and have a healthy home life at the same time?” I asked myself this question while sitting in a music classroom at Wichita State University in the late 90’s. I had always been a “bleeding heart”, wanting to care for and heal everyone around me. I thought my life calling was to do that in the public school system through music. My concern that I wouldn’t be able to be a teacher, bringing so much of my physical and mental school load home with me, had always been in the back of my mind. When I never received an answer to my question (in all fairness to my professors, I never asked it out loud), I ended up not using the music education degree I worked so hard for.

Fast forward 2 mini-careers and a decade of being a stay-at-home mom later, I returned to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. When I shared a similar version of the same question I had during my undergraduate work with a therapist friend of mine, she said, “Don’t worry, half of your schooling will be learning how to live a healthy personal life while caring for your clients.” I was so relieved! At the end of my degree, I knew she was right. I gained many skills that would help me avoid burnout during my career as a therapist. Unfortunately, those same skills could have meant I would have lasted in the music education field two decades earlier if I had them at that time.

I am going to share with you a few skills I use as a Marriage and Family Therapist that will help you as a music educator as well. Keep in mind this was half my graduate education, so this quick article will just skim the surface. Hopefully, though, reading them will help you begin a journey towards a healthier separation between work and home life, growing your peace at home while enabling you to have a longer, more satisfying career.

Observe, Not Absorb

The first skill I will share is Observe, not Absorb. So many times, when we are compassionate individuals, we take on the emotions and experiences of others as if they are our own. I didn’t realize until graduate school that it was possible to listen and help others without letting their problems impact my personal body and space. You can be a soft place to land for your students without being a sponge. You can listen to a coworker without soaking their problems into your mind and body. Absorbing their problems or struggles (or things coworkers or administrators place on you) does not actually help you solve any problems. It is actually detrimental to everyone. So instead of soaking up the problems before you, allow them to roll off of you like an umbrella, helping others by being present but not internally changed.

Ritual of Definition

Another useful tool you can create is a Ritual of Definition. My therapy supervisor taught me to imagine leaving my clients' stories in my therapy room as I shut and locked my door when I left for the day. This created a line of separation between what people shared with me and what I walked away with into my personal life. You can imagine leaving the stories of your students in the choir room or physically with their instruments as you lock the door. I’ve heard of a therapist who created an invisible line on the road during her drive home. When she crossed that line, she reminded herself that her professional life was on one side and her personal life was on the other. After a while, when she crossed it, her brain would naturally switch easily between the two worlds she inhabited. If you have to do work at home, perhaps create a “work only” space. When you leave that place, such as leaving your desk or zipping up your bag that contains your computer, work stays on the desk or in the bag, waiting for you to return when you are ready to reenter your workspace.

Barriers of Protection

The third skill I want to share is to throw up Barriers of Protection. These can help us to leave school at school and keep our homes a safe haven. I personally use the illustration of Violet from The Incredibles . When I notice my brain drifting to work when I am at home, I can imagine throwing up my invisible bubble of protection that then bounces off unwanted worries and distractions. Doing a silly dance with your kids or pets in the living room can help shake off worries or your workload and allow you to be present when you are at home. When you feel the weight of work seeping in, practicing a barrier and getting the invader outside of that barrier can leave you feeling freer and more satisfied in your personal life.

Conclusion

Observing, not Absorbing, creating Rituals of Definition, and throwing up Barriers of Protection don’t have to be tools that just therapists use to keep from burning out. They should be available to everyone, especially for teachers who carry one of the largest burdens of our society. I know the list of what you carry is endless. Everyone deserves a safe haven to retreat. If you are reading this article, you’ve probably survived in the education system much longer than I did. As you put some of these practices in place, you’ll be creating space in your life that will enable you to have a much healthier, happier, longer career as a music educator.